HELP US UNDERSTAND

Now ladies, we know that we will never understand you just like you will never understand us. We have to agree to disagree. You will never understand a man's pride just as we will never understand a woman's ability to nurture those who don't deserve it. Face it, we're all baffled.

But since we're always answering your questions, it's only fair that you answer some of ours.

1. Why do you get mad when other women find us attractive? You did. So now that we're together, no other woman is allowed to find us attractive? Babe, they didn't go blind because we started talking.

2. Why do you run to YOUR SINGLE FRIEND for relationship advice? There is a reason why she is single, love. I'm just saying, you wouldn't ask STEVIE WONDER for driving directions. Everybody has a specialty, relationships ain't hers.

3. Why do you say "YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANOTHER GIRL LIKE ME" after we break up? I thought the point of breaking up was to NOT find another girl LIKE you?

4. Why is it expected to be our fault? When a relationship fails the first you hear is "WHAT DID HE DO"?

5. Why do you get mad at me when my phone rings? I didn't call myself! Nor did I tell this young lady to call me at 3:17am. Stop yelling.

6. Do you realize that your "woman's intuition" is wrong sometimes? Just because you have a feeling in your gut, back with a tagged picture on Facebook does not mean I'm sleeping around. Maybe that feeling in your gut is just gas! Oh, and that picture...MAYBE IT'S JUST A PICTURE!!!

7. Why do you ask men a question that you've already formulated an answer to? So now, when we tell the truth, we're "lying," and when we're lying we're "lying." We don't stand a chance against this ideology. We would rather let you believe whatever you want than bear the migraine after the dust has settled.

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER.DONT WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER

Proceed with caution

Have you ever been in any social event and noticed that lone female who exudes a delicate balance of confidence, and aggression? Did you also notice the males in that establishment are drawn to her? Other women try to emulate this same level of aggression and completely fail, and it is as if the men are running away from her.

This post is dedicated to explain why we men love aggressive women and explain why one woman was successful while the other failed.

FIRST, men love aggressive women because it goes against the nature or definition of the characteristics of a so called "woman". Aggression is something that is affiliated with men. A woman that exudes this uncommon characteristic, and TAKES WHAT SHE WANTS is very sexy, and different. As men, we love the fact that we can be pursued at times, it's a great feeling. Now, there is a thin line between aggression and demanding. Being demanding is a huge turn off (TRUST US), and it makes us get defensive. To men, demanding is the first sign of crazy. We want no parts of that!

Some men will not be able to handle an aggressive woman, forgive them ladies they are not a justifiable sample of the whole. These certain individuals are not accustomed to giving up the position of power. The hunter has become the hunted, and it is not easy to accept. Try to imagine...you've had the same beautician doing your hair since birth, one day you show up to your appointment to find out that she has quit. Do you know how scared and uncomfortable you would be? You'd feel vulnerable.

THERE IS A LINE BETWEEN BEING AGGRESSIVE AND CRAZY. If you have to ask yourself AM I DOING TOO MUCH? The answer is usually yes you are. Crazy always questions if they're crazy. No matter how much you try to disguise your crazy, we will find it! MAC does not make concealer for crazy ladies.

YOU CANNOT BE UNAPPEALING TO THE EYE. Whoopi Goldberg, Sheryl Underwood, CANNOT be aggressive, there is too much going against them. Remember, we said aggressive is different; well so is ugly. Too much difference is just being an outcast.

So ladies listen, AGGRESSION IS SEXY. Learn to walk the line between aggression and crazy. If you were not gifted facially, just wait. Somebody once said, GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT. lol

If you knew better you'd do better. Don't wear Uggz in shoe weather.

The Black Dress

Fellas have you ever noticed how many Black Dresses a female OWNS? we are assuming the answer most likely would be no, you should pay attention because every single BLACK DRESS serves a purpose. She owns anywhere from 2-6 of them (depending on the level of woman she is) and each dress is cut differently and accentuates a different part of her body . There is one just to show her back, one to show her legs, one just for cleavage, so on and so forth BUT then there is that BLACK DRESS. THE HOLY GRAIL OF BLACK DRESSES. This BLACK DRESS is the dress that states I AM SINGLE FOR THE NIGHT, fellas if you have a significant other, boo, shorty or (insert random title here) then this is the BLACK DRESS you do not want to see. Be afraid be very afraid, once this BLACK DRESS comes out of the closet she just told you "tonight imma do me boo boo, imma do me". We can tell some of our male readers are lost and do not know what this LEGENDARY BLACK DRESS looks like or what its capabilities are, we are here to help

It is the dress that makes her legs looking longer by showing MORE of them

It is the dress that shows the right amount of cleavage

It is the dress that shows the small of her back

It is the dress the makes her arms look a little nicer

It is the dress the accentuates all of the positive features of her body while hiding the negatives, the unwanted.

YES!!!! Fellas this one single dress can accomplish all of these things, NO ONE DRESS SHOULD HAVE ALL THIS POWER

Now we know our male readers are confused and we can already hear your question. WHEN AND WHY WOULD SHE WEAR SUCH A DRESS ? Well this may be difficult to read but she brings out this dress when YOU, YES YOU have pissed her off beyond belief. SO she chooses to go partying and unwind with her friends while you sit there confused as to what you have done wrong trying desperately to figure it out. When she pulls this specific BLACK DRESS out of her closet just PRAY and ask her for forgiveness because SHE IS SINGLE FOR THE NIGHT.

As always...

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DONT WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER

GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT BAD DICK CANT

When you ask a woman what characteristics they look for in a "boo, hubby, companion" or whatever foolish title is deemed as acceptable, you are guaranteed to hear the same TIRED basics.

I want a goal oriented christian man! He also has to be: considerate, kind, intelligent, sexy, tall, mysterious, funny, and know how to satisfy my needs...

Women say they want all the nice fluffy things you'll find on an ABC Christmas special. What these disillusioned females won't tell you is that they want their (insert foolish title here) to deliver GREAT DICK. Yes, you read it correctly, that's not a typo. Don't act shocked now! No matter how much women downplay sex, the truth is IT MATTERS.

LET'S BE REAL! "Satisfy my needs" = Break my back...Make my walls throb...I want to feel it in my chest.

Now, there are females that just read that and rolled their eyes. Don't lie to yourself boo. You are the same one calling your homegirl upset the second he steps out. "Girl, he came over here with his weak stroke...yada yada yada blah blah blah." MEN...WOMEN REPORT GOOD/BAD DICK MORE REGULAR THAN INCOME TAXES. You want/need good dick, it's what keeps you grounded. Good dick keeps you sane, and causes insanity (we'll explain this phenomena in a future post).

Gentlemen, PULVERIZING THE PUSSY IS MANDATORY! Not only for the sake of your reputation, or for the homegirls, but more so because GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT BAD DICK CAN'T. Let me reiterate...

GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT BAD DICK CAN'T!
If you learn nothing else from our blog, learn that.

Good dick is the reason she will wake up at 5am to answer your call. (Bad dick can't call after 9 lol). Even though we all know she was deep in her slumber, she will lie and say she was just "laying down, watching TV, or reading a book" but she sounds like Luther Vandross. #WeBeKnowin

Good dick is the reason she will trot her happy ass down to Toys R' Us to buy an X-Box with Call Of Duty and NBA 2K11. She wants you to feel comfortable.

Good dick will make her take a plane, to a ferry, to the train, to two buses, and a cab on a Wednesday night to spend 2 hours with you. The first 15mins you are recapping her trip. The next hour and a half you are PULVERIZING this dedicated vagina. The final 15mins is used for rehydration.

Good dick is the reason she can work her 16 hour shift with a "glow". Yes, we know about the glow.

Good dick is the ONLY reason she is willing to sweat her perm, weave and baby hairs out, unless she's Hispanic. In that case, all bets are off.

Good dick is the reason you can walk into her home at 5am and be greeted with open arms.

Good dick makes her left leg shake uncontrollably...during AND AFTER the intercourse.

Good dick will make her tap your leg and beg for an intermission.

Good dick makes her cover her face, because she can't believe you are bringing her to that point.

Good dick makes her grab at the air...for what I do not know.

Good dick is the reason she wakes up 30mins before you to prepare breakfast, because she wants you strong by lunch.

Good dick can hang up the phone on her, and she say "its OK, he needs his time."

Gentlemen, know your worth, but most importantly know your responsibility. No matter how solid your character and goals are GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT BAD DICK CAN'T. With that being said, be careful who you give good dick to, some women are not worth the headache. We have learned that WITH GREAT DICK COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

Let's not short change our women. Pulverize safely.

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DON'T WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER.

What do you want?

For all the ladies out there flapping their eyelashes, we're talking to you.

As a man, the answer to this question eludes us. Why? Because it eludes you too. Let's face it, sometimes

YOU don't even know what YOU want. There are so many stipulations.

YOU want an educated man BUT he can't be a nerd.You want someone with a sensitive side BUT not too soft or you'll consider him p*ssy.

YOU want someone who is strong enough to put you in check sometimes BUT you still want him to be vulnerable enough to give in at times.

YOU want a man to be chivalrous and have the ability to take care of you BUT you still want to be independent.

And while we're on the topic of independence, you do realize that you need a male partner to procreate with, meaning the population of mankind is actually dependent on one another, therefore making Beyonce's LONELY Independent Woman Theory null and void. I'm just saying. I can hear your clocks ticking. It's ok to want us, especially since you need us.

Back to the topic at hand.

I almost forgot your ideal man can't be shorter than 6 feet tall, he has to have a nice chest and back, some tattoos but not too much and he MUST look like the incomparable IDRIS ELBA. Please note the word 'incomparable.

'Now ladies, I just want to know, if and when you find this IMAGINARY ideal man, will he think that YOU are HIS ideal mate? Because if he has as much stipulations as you do, chances are, there's NO chance.

One more thing. Ladies, you want a man to be a man but since you ALL have your own opinions and standards for what a man should be, is it even possible that we'll ever fit into your definition as we are and not as you wish?

What do you want?

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DONT WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER

Values of a Relationship

It is very sad to say, even as a bachelor, that the value of great, monogamous relationships has been belittled. Every time we turn on the television, we have to suffer through one tacky show after another about individuals who are trying to FALL IN LOVE OR FIND THE RIGHT ONE (Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Real Chance of Love, Snooking for Love, just to name a few). Because the media has an influence on everything from the clothes we wear to the people we sleep with, more and more of us are living by unrealistic, scripted standards as opposed to the standards our parents raised us with. Television, music and magazines play a big role in deciding what we deem as acceptable behavior, more specifically in our relationships. The problem with television relationships is that failure gets more ratings and more press than success. What is the end result? We end up following these television formulas in real life and expecting a different outcome.

You want what your grandparents had? Unless Flava Flav is your grandfather, stop looking at that man. We do not live the kind of lifestyles that promote the type of commitment our grandparents had because you're too busy doing you boo boo. And since everyone is doing them, it's either "NIGGAZ AINT SHIT or SHE'S A HOE." We have to understand that to want what our grandparents have, we have to do what our grandparents did. Monogamy is a learned behavior and commitment takes practice. We're not going to wake up one day and magically be marriage material and that goes for you too ladies. We have to pay attention to changing ourselves and our mentalities. And I know they say 'actions speak louder than words' but honestly, that's not entirely true. If actions spoke louder than words, then why do we take vows? We take vows because everything, words and actions have to line up in order to ensure a lifetime of happiness.

IF YOU KNEW BETTER, YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DON'T WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER.

Love Letter To The Black Women

We came across another blog entry entitled, "A Love Letter to The BlackMan" by @akamplish, and we were inspired to respond. We as men seldom take the time to praise our women by action, so we would like to mend our past oversights with our words.

Peering ever so effortlessly through our culture we realize and admit that your value has diminished. You have been objectified in the media, and we have only been accomplices in perpetuating this cycle. Sex sells, and we buy it. We have not protected our most prized possessions and have allowed you to fall victim to lustful eyes, words, and thoughts. Your worth has been forgotten, but this error unlike others, is reconcilable. We expect the world from you, but at times do not reciprocate the same efforts. We have left our children solely in your hands, and wonder why our race is dying. Fatherless children breed fatherless children, and we offer no solution to this equation. You stood by us and with us when the world went cold around us; but to what avail? Without you, we would not know this earth. Without our women, there would be no us. This letter is our way of showing our appreciation to our Black women. A way of showing you are still loved, respected, cherished, and needed.

Behind black man is a strong black woman! (But who is behind her?)

You are our mothers, and sisters. You are our princesses, and Queens. You fill any role while still being able to stand on your own. Time and time again we have set standards that are physically, emotionally, and mentally unobtainable. We forget that in order to reach these levels we need to hoist you on our shoulders to place you on this very pedestal. For this we apologize. Your loyalty and perseverance are unmatched and insurmountable, and for this we thank you. The years of absenteeism cannot be reversed, but we pledge to do better. We have overlooked your work and efforts for too long. WE ARE SORRY. However, these same transgressions are the reasons we LOVE and APPRECIATE YOU. Thank you Black Woman.

"A WOMAN'S VIRTUE IS A MAN'S GREATEST GLORY"

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DONT WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER

This is what simple looks like.

There are many things that we feel women simply just cannot grasp when it comes to men. Some women are insightful enough to realize and admit this fact, others however feel they have their man/men down to a science. The latter group are the ones that scare us. They are the group that cannot understand that men are all the same yet all unique. SAME YET UNIQUE?! Yes. We operate under the same ideals but we emphasize different points. We are simple,with that being said, that does NOT mean WE ARE SIMPLE MINDED.

I believe all men can agree that we need very little to make us happy, we just want it in abundance. Here is the universal list that I have compiled over the years:
SEX
FOOD
SLEEP
TIME WITH THE GUYS
SPORTS
SILENCE.
Please understand that this is in no particular order of importance. In fact, there are men who put sex before food (odd to say the least). In order to eliminate any ambiguity in the aforementioned list allow me to define the requests.


1. Sex...fornication of any kind, including but not limited to: vaginal, anal, oral, eye socket, ear hole etc.

If you love the gold wrapper, we'll love you for it.

2. Food...you cooking something up, or ordering? We appreciate your work in the kitchen more, that added effort does not go unnoticed.

3. Sleep...LET US SLEEP! Don't disturb our slumber, we want to SLEEP not CUDDLE. This is one of the moments in the day when we can really and truly relax, give us that. Is that so much to ask?

As a matter of fact, how about you go to sleep too? No?

4. Time with the guys...is just that, time with our dudes. Why do you always think that time with the guys translates into times with any other girl but you? Have you noticed that when you're going out with your girls we let you, no arguments, no headaches? Just go. All we ask for is two things: that you return in the same condition you left...unfucked and with a doggy bag if you went out to eat. [Refer to #2. See how quickly you forget?]

5. Sports...as men, we have to keep abreast of whats going on in the NFL, NBA, MLB, FIFA, MLS, NHL, NASCAR, and Ultimate Frisbee (lol). If we do not know who won last night's game, we are looked at as lesser men by our peers, LET US BE MEN.

At this point, we don't even care if you don't watch sports. We completely overlook the fact that you don't know the facts. Just don't interrupt the Saints game and ask us "where's Reggie? he's cute! "he's GODS gift"!...IF HE IS, THEN WHAT AM I? We don't want to hear you squawking about how "cute his ass is."

6. Silence...doesn't mean we don't want to hear you. It just means that I want to use my phone to check Twitter and answer some text messages without you giving me the evil eye. Someone once said, "If you're mad about me being on my phone, then why don't you put yourself in my hands then?" [Sounds like a reference to #1, that requires little to no talking, unless that's what you like]. What we're trying to say is, a little quiet time never hurt anybody ladies, it's good for the relationship.

If you knew better you would do better. Don't wear uggs in shoe weather.

Independent women at 20 are lonely at 40

All my single ladies eh?

Newsflash, Beyonce is NOT single.  We repeat, Beyonce is NOT single.  Not only is she NOT single, she’s dating the most successful rapper of our time, Shawn “Jay Z” Carter. It makes absolutely no sense that you’re running around the club waving your empty hand around glorifying the single life when in reality, most of you HATE being single. If I like it, I should have put a ring on it? Why? I only LIKE it.  I don’t LOVE it.  Hov didn’t put a ring on it because he liked it, he put a ring on it because he LOVED it.  You want to know what he loved? Beyonce made 85 million dollars last year.  How many of you can wave your hand around saying you did the same?  If you want to be like Beyonce, choose wisely and speak rarely.

If you knew better, you would do better. Don’t wear uggs in shoe weather.

The Things Your Homegirls Can't Tell You

Everybody's somebody's cousin and we're fuckin' em all.  Now that we got out the way, we can speak candidly from here on out.  We'd introduce ourselves but our names don't really matter in the large scheme of things.  However, because people like to personalize who they are speaking to, we are affectionately known as The Guru and Mike Lowry.  You might have heard about us from our appearance on another blog discussing the reality of sex from the male perspective and yes ladies, men do have some perspective.  If you haven't heard about us, check us out battling our female counterparts about the different expectations, behaviors and experiences that go on in the bedroom over lots of heineken.  Now before you start questioning our credibility, we are both college educated young men with jobs.  We are also mama's boys and we've had our fair share of relationships and even more of whatever's opposite of that.  Given our decorated history with women, some platonic, most not, we're just here to have the conversation that nobody wants to have.  For instance, it seems rude to say "you should be sucking way more dick," but you should.  We like it.  It also seems rude to say, "I've been fucking for some time and I'm ready to nut so I'm gonna think of someone else real quick," but it happens.  We're here to let the ladies know that just because you talk more than we do, doesn't mean you have it all figured out.  We're also here for the men that really want more head but want to avoid an argument because it has to be something she wants to do.  Simply, women always have a bunch of relationships questions and they seem to ask everyone besides the person they're having a relationship with so now you can.  We get it and now we want to make sure that you do too.

That being said, ladies, if you knew better you would do better.  Don't wear uggs in shoe weather.  Gentlemen, everybody's somebody's cousin and we're fucking 'em all. Cheers!

Signing off.