As ignorant as it gets

We realize that this post runs the risk of being a rant, but so what!

We once heard

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER,

we are convinced that some of you are blind.

First topic: HAIR
So, some of you think that because it's winter you don't need to shave your legs, armpits, and lady parts. Filthy! Who do you think you are? Why do you find it acceptable for you to compete with the hair on my legs? WE DONT WANT TO FEEL YOUR STUBBLE! No matter what Mr. Nice Guy says he finds all of that hair under your pits disgusting. We understand that the upkeep is tiring, but it is a MUST. Remember in elementary school when someone wrote on the chalkboard and it made that horrible screech and you felt it in your bones? That's the feeling your hairy body gives us. You make our skin crawl, and we hate you.

You want us to be well groomed, no? Well doesn't it start with the man in the mirror? (We use "Man In the Mirror" because your lackluster maintenance brings you closer to manliness every day). We do not want to look at you and notice the hair on your legs, ARMPIT and for some...YOUR FACIAL HAIR (the mustache has to go). Now we are not saying it is your fault for being hairy...it's genetics, we get it. However, it is your fault why it has not been shaved.

You disgust me hairy lady.

Next topic: WEIGHT

This may be a sensitive subject but you need to hear this. We do not care how much he loves you, that does not mean you are allowed to get fat now because you HAVE A MAN!!!! Do not get too comfortable. He fell for you when you were 130lbs! He will not find you that sexy when you reach 180 and more and you are only 5'4? Stop acting like you are allergic to that treadmill. The sweat in your side fat is gross. (insert Darth Vader breathing)

Skinny Jeans?

Next topic: "I MISS YOU"

Text Message Convo.....

Girl: Hey baby.
Guy: Wassup luv.
Girl: Nothin I was just thinkin about you and us.
Guy: Really? What about us?
Girl: How great we are together :) I miss you sooooo much baby.
Guy: Awwww. That's so cute.
Girl: ?????? so you're not gonna say it back?

WHAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!?!? Why when you miss us we gotta miss you back? That's stupid. Don't expect the feelings of you and your man to be synchronized ladies. Don't force the issue. The problem here is you say something and expect a certain response. All your doing is setting up an argument.

Quick blurbs (we'll get back to this in other posts.)

1. Do not use my tooth brush THAT VERY NASTY, it is MY tooth brush not ours.
2. Do not kiss me in the morning. It's disrespectful. We do not care how sexy you are your breath still stinks. You want sex you turn around no face to face contact.
3. If your toes are disgusting do not wear anything open toes. You know what...go to Walmart and just buy new toes, they have everything in there.
   

Now we know this post maybe a little harsher and intense than some of our previous ones. Sometimes there is no nice way to say things. This is the only way to get the message across. CUT THE SHIT OUT!!!!

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DON'T WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER!

Valentine's Day Massacre

WARNING: THIS POST DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL.

The New Year is far gone and we have all made our resolutions about changing our diet and stopping some questionable behaviors from 2010. These same "resolutions" are going to be forgotten just like the person who got 3rd place in any sporting event. Sadly, we missed the opportunity to rant previously so we would like to touch on the next great holiday; VALENTINES DAY.

This day is more of an event, a day to show your lady that you love, care and appreciate all that she has done for you. Valentine’s Day has been designed as a day for us MEN to tell the women in our lives that WE (men) THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE.

Let's get the formalities out of the way.

We (men) thank you (ladies) for dealing with our stubborn ways.
We (men) thank you (ladies) for dealing with us when we are insensitive to your needs.
We (men) thank you (ladies) for catering to us first while putting your needs last.
We (men) thank you (ladies) for always being there for us in every sense of the word.

Blah, blah, blah!

What's wrong with this picture? Why does Valentine’s Day equate to MEN having to thank women? Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. Just shut up and read.

“With all I do for him I deserve
this day, I deserve to be thanked"....

Then rolls eyes and neck simultaneously without getting injured. So we don't deserve to benefit from this day? Men do a lot too! You really think that you are the most pleasant bundle of hormones? Seriously?

WHY IS VALENTINES DAY DEDICATED TO FEMALES?

Far before February 14 we (men) have to plan and scheme of what to do, when to do it, how to do it and how long to do it for. You know what ladies are doing during all of this? WAITING! Ladies are waiting to see what HE will do for HER! We know some of you ladies put forth an effort towards your man on Valentine’s Day and once again, this post is not for you. However most of you are waiters!

Waiter- n: 1. a person who waits

He does all of this planning and you know what his gift in return is SEX (sex is great but be creative ladies). If we have been involved for some time...chances are we have been involved physically. So SEX is not a special gift! Valentine’s Day does not mean the sex will now become different and more magical. No, lingerie does not change it. Imagine...taking a pair of sneakers he already owns, placing it in a new sneaker box and giving it back to him. Does a new sneaker box make the sneakers different or better? NO! So what the hell do you think that lingerie does for your goodies? Lingerie does not make the fruit sweeter.

LADIES, WHAT IF YOU DID WEEKS OF PLANNING AND YOUR MAN JUST SHOWED UP WITH HIS DICK IN A BOX?

So ladies, this Valentine’s Day do not wait to see what your man is going to do for you. Do something for each other. Believe it or not, men like to brag to their friends too.

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DON'T WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER.

LETS KEEP IT PERSONAL

Why do people display their ENTIRE relationship on social networks?

I mean, we get it. On Facebook, they give you the option to display your relationship status - single, in a relationship, in an open relationship, in a complicated relationship, blah blah blah. Some of you just can't resist trying to define, and publicize who you're sleeping with. Why? If you just leave it blank, does it take away from you being in a relationship in the first place? No.

Social sites are to relationships what rain is to a fresh perm - NO GOOD (this was for our female readers, but if you are a man with a perm then that's cool. There are too many activists out there so we'll leave u alone). To the men, social sites are like Katt Stacks...they will f*ck your life up. Your relationship is PERSONAL, so keep it PERSONAL.

This is not to say that you should hide your relationship. You should be proud of the person you're with, and what you share with them. However, there is a difference between discretion and secrets. You can acknowledge your significant other without overexposing them. Once you put your relationship into the atmosphere, it's open for scrutiny and criticism. Remember, not everyone is happy for you. Do you know how many people are on that FACEBOOK? Not to mention twitter, myspace, sconex, black planet, migente which are all better known as #reasonswhyrelationshipsdontlast! 70% of these people couldn't care any less about your romance. 20% are envious (in some way, shape, or form) of what you have with your partner, 8% are utterly disgusted with you and your beau, and only 2% are actually happy for you. SEND THAT MEAGER 2% A DAMN TEXT! We (the writers) are part of the 70% that wants that trash off our mini-feed and/or timeline.

Now we know that there are some readers who are asking, "where did they get their numbers from yada yada yada." Shut up, IT'S A BLOG! It's written from the point of view of two bachelors. We aren't citing sources. We are the source (but we digress).

You heard the quote, "Rome wasn't built in a day?" Then you must have heard this one...

"IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME."

What we're trying to say is this: do not expect to put your business out there without anybody having an opinion about it. Do not get angry when the entire world feels like they have the right to comment on your life. You gave it to them.

And to be honest, WE DO NOT CARE, well WE don't but some do!

The status box doesn't mean "input the status of your relationship here...if you miss him put it here...was the sex good? put it here"

We don't want to read:

1:00 pm HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

1:15 pm I AM DONE WITH HIM AND ALL YOU MEN.
1:30 pm TOGETHER FOREVER... 143

every 34 hours...

By all means, enjoy your relationship; but, keep it personal. If for no other reason, do it because when shit gets real rough between you two, it's only you two that can get through it.

IF YOU KNEW BETTER, YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DON'T WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER.

HELP US UNDERSTAND

Now ladies, we know that we will never understand you just like you will never understand us. We have to agree to disagree. You will never understand a man's pride just as we will never understand a woman's ability to nurture those who don't deserve it. Face it, we're all baffled.

But since we're always answering your questions, it's only fair that you answer some of ours.

1. Why do you get mad when other women find us attractive? You did. So now that we're together, no other woman is allowed to find us attractive? Babe, they didn't go blind because we started talking.

2. Why do you run to YOUR SINGLE FRIEND for relationship advice? There is a reason why she is single, love. I'm just saying, you wouldn't ask STEVIE WONDER for driving directions. Everybody has a specialty, relationships ain't hers.

3. Why do you say "YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANOTHER GIRL LIKE ME" after we break up? I thought the point of breaking up was to NOT find another girl LIKE you?

4. Why is it expected to be our fault? When a relationship fails the first you hear is "WHAT DID HE DO"?

5. Why do you get mad at me when my phone rings? I didn't call myself! Nor did I tell this young lady to call me at 3:17am. Stop yelling.

6. Do you realize that your "woman's intuition" is wrong sometimes? Just because you have a feeling in your gut, back with a tagged picture on Facebook does not mean I'm sleeping around. Maybe that feeling in your gut is just gas! Oh, and that picture...MAYBE IT'S JUST A PICTURE!!!

7. Why do you ask men a question that you've already formulated an answer to? So now, when we tell the truth, we're "lying," and when we're lying we're "lying." We don't stand a chance against this ideology. We would rather let you believe whatever you want than bear the migraine after the dust has settled.

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER.DONT WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER

Proceed with caution

Have you ever been in any social event and noticed that lone female who exudes a delicate balance of confidence, and aggression? Did you also notice the males in that establishment are drawn to her? Other women try to emulate this same level of aggression and completely fail, and it is as if the men are running away from her.

This post is dedicated to explain why we men love aggressive women and explain why one woman was successful while the other failed.

FIRST, men love aggressive women because it goes against the nature or definition of the characteristics of a so called "woman". Aggression is something that is affiliated with men. A woman that exudes this uncommon characteristic, and TAKES WHAT SHE WANTS is very sexy, and different. As men, we love the fact that we can be pursued at times, it's a great feeling. Now, there is a thin line between aggression and demanding. Being demanding is a huge turn off (TRUST US), and it makes us get defensive. To men, demanding is the first sign of crazy. We want no parts of that!

Some men will not be able to handle an aggressive woman, forgive them ladies they are not a justifiable sample of the whole. These certain individuals are not accustomed to giving up the position of power. The hunter has become the hunted, and it is not easy to accept. Try to imagine...you've had the same beautician doing your hair since birth, one day you show up to your appointment to find out that she has quit. Do you know how scared and uncomfortable you would be? You'd feel vulnerable.

THERE IS A LINE BETWEEN BEING AGGRESSIVE AND CRAZY. If you have to ask yourself AM I DOING TOO MUCH? The answer is usually yes you are. Crazy always questions if they're crazy. No matter how much you try to disguise your crazy, we will find it! MAC does not make concealer for crazy ladies.

YOU CANNOT BE UNAPPEALING TO THE EYE. Whoopi Goldberg, Sheryl Underwood, CANNOT be aggressive, there is too much going against them. Remember, we said aggressive is different; well so is ugly. Too much difference is just being an outcast.

So ladies listen, AGGRESSION IS SEXY. Learn to walk the line between aggression and crazy. If you were not gifted facially, just wait. Somebody once said, GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT. lol

If you knew better you'd do better. Don't wear Uggz in shoe weather.

The Black Dress

Fellas have you ever noticed how many Black Dresses a female OWNS? we are assuming the answer most likely would be no, you should pay attention because every single BLACK DRESS serves a purpose. She owns anywhere from 2-6 of them (depending on the level of woman she is) and each dress is cut differently and accentuates a different part of her body . There is one just to show her back, one to show her legs, one just for cleavage, so on and so forth BUT then there is that BLACK DRESS. THE HOLY GRAIL OF BLACK DRESSES. This BLACK DRESS is the dress that states I AM SINGLE FOR THE NIGHT, fellas if you have a significant other, boo, shorty or (insert random title here) then this is the BLACK DRESS you do not want to see. Be afraid be very afraid, once this BLACK DRESS comes out of the closet she just told you "tonight imma do me boo boo, imma do me". We can tell some of our male readers are lost and do not know what this LEGENDARY BLACK DRESS looks like or what its capabilities are, we are here to help

It is the dress that makes her legs looking longer by showing MORE of them

It is the dress that shows the right amount of cleavage

It is the dress that shows the small of her back

It is the dress the makes her arms look a little nicer

It is the dress the accentuates all of the positive features of her body while hiding the negatives, the unwanted.

YES!!!! Fellas this one single dress can accomplish all of these things, NO ONE DRESS SHOULD HAVE ALL THIS POWER

Now we know our male readers are confused and we can already hear your question. WHEN AND WHY WOULD SHE WEAR SUCH A DRESS ? Well this may be difficult to read but she brings out this dress when YOU, YES YOU have pissed her off beyond belief. SO she chooses to go partying and unwind with her friends while you sit there confused as to what you have done wrong trying desperately to figure it out. When she pulls this specific BLACK DRESS out of her closet just PRAY and ask her for forgiveness because SHE IS SINGLE FOR THE NIGHT.

As always...

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DONT WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER

GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT BAD DICK CANT

When you ask a woman what characteristics they look for in a "boo, hubby, companion" or whatever foolish title is deemed as acceptable, you are guaranteed to hear the same TIRED basics.

I want a goal oriented christian man! He also has to be: considerate, kind, intelligent, sexy, tall, mysterious, funny, and know how to satisfy my needs...

Women say they want all the nice fluffy things you'll find on an ABC Christmas special. What these disillusioned females won't tell you is that they want their (insert foolish title here) to deliver GREAT DICK. Yes, you read it correctly, that's not a typo. Don't act shocked now! No matter how much women downplay sex, the truth is IT MATTERS.

LET'S BE REAL! "Satisfy my needs" = Break my back...Make my walls throb...I want to feel it in my chest.

Now, there are females that just read that and rolled their eyes. Don't lie to yourself boo. You are the same one calling your homegirl upset the second he steps out. "Girl, he came over here with his weak stroke...yada yada yada blah blah blah." MEN...WOMEN REPORT GOOD/BAD DICK MORE REGULAR THAN INCOME TAXES. You want/need good dick, it's what keeps you grounded. Good dick keeps you sane, and causes insanity (we'll explain this phenomena in a future post).

Gentlemen, PULVERIZING THE PUSSY IS MANDATORY! Not only for the sake of your reputation, or for the homegirls, but more so because GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT BAD DICK CAN'T. Let me reiterate...

GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT BAD DICK CAN'T!
If you learn nothing else from our blog, learn that.

Good dick is the reason she will wake up at 5am to answer your call. (Bad dick can't call after 9 lol). Even though we all know she was deep in her slumber, she will lie and say she was just "laying down, watching TV, or reading a book" but she sounds like Luther Vandross. #WeBeKnowin

Good dick is the reason she will trot her happy ass down to Toys R' Us to buy an X-Box with Call Of Duty and NBA 2K11. She wants you to feel comfortable.

Good dick will make her take a plane, to a ferry, to the train, to two buses, and a cab on a Wednesday night to spend 2 hours with you. The first 15mins you are recapping her trip. The next hour and a half you are PULVERIZING this dedicated vagina. The final 15mins is used for rehydration.

Good dick is the reason she can work her 16 hour shift with a "glow". Yes, we know about the glow.

Good dick is the ONLY reason she is willing to sweat her perm, weave and baby hairs out, unless she's Hispanic. In that case, all bets are off.

Good dick is the reason you can walk into her home at 5am and be greeted with open arms.

Good dick makes her left leg shake uncontrollably...during AND AFTER the intercourse.

Good dick will make her tap your leg and beg for an intermission.

Good dick makes her cover her face, because she can't believe you are bringing her to that point.

Good dick makes her grab at the air...for what I do not know.

Good dick is the reason she wakes up 30mins before you to prepare breakfast, because she wants you strong by lunch.

Good dick can hang up the phone on her, and she say "its OK, he needs his time."

Gentlemen, know your worth, but most importantly know your responsibility. No matter how solid your character and goals are GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT BAD DICK CAN'T. With that being said, be careful who you give good dick to, some women are not worth the headache. We have learned that WITH GREAT DICK COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

Let's not short change our women. Pulverize safely.

IF YOU KNEW BETTER YOU WOULD DO BETTER. DON'T WEAR UGGZ IN SHOE WEATHER.